This is Us

February 26, 2022

I've been having this recurring feeling.

I guess it's actually a recurring mixture of feelings.

The words I have to describe it include gratitude, calmness, contentment... and I'm sure there are others...

Occasionally, I can't help but look at my current life and mental state and compare it to who I was 2 years ago, 3 years ago, 4 years ago...

At that time, my life at PerfectServe had overtaken every ounce of my being and monopolized everything that was supposed to be mine. My time, my thoughts, my sleep, my relationships, my family. It all belonged to that company. I had overwhelming anxiety - I woke up in the middle of every night feeling panic. I traveled non-stop. I missed way too much time with my kids - ballgames, school events, mornings, nights. I felt angry at the world that I couldn't just walk away. I felt completely trapped.

While all of this is real, it isn't often that I purposefully dwell on the negative feelings. I had so many good years at PerfectServe... so many... and I worked with so many friends and colleagues who I adore - people who inspired me, influenced me, matured me, and would walk through fire with me. I will never lose sight of that.

But I have to tell you - it's funny how my body and mind respond to certain things without me even thinking about it.

Clothes - I had a large wardrobe of fun, semi-business and business attire that I lived in back then. Every single time I try to put one of those outfits on now... as soon as I look in the mirror, I can't take it off fast enough. It is such a reminder of what I was going through. I hate every article of clothing I wore back then.

Text messages from former colleagues... I love catching up with them... but every time, my heart starts racing and I instantly feel the anxiety and the pressure.

Certain roads/restaurants/(Starbucks) in Knoxville - I just can't.

Without sounding overly dramatic, the only thing I know to compare it to is what it must feel like to come out of an abusive relationship - someone who simultaneously loves you like no other, but mentally destroys you at the same time.

This picture is everything. On a Saturday, Sam and Charlie came with me to empty out my corner office at PerfectServe. I had already done so much of the hard stuff - I had pushed myself through the break up - I had told everyone goodbye - I had let go of the weight - I had mentally moved on - I could see the light of what was waiting for me ahead. I know my boys were putting on a brave face for me. They were somewhat attached to my work too... it was part of my identity... it was all they knew me to be. And even more impactful to them, we were preparing to leave Knoxville.

There was a lot going on.

To me, when I see this picture, I barely notice the mom, the kids, the ladder, the blinds... What I see is Endurance. Courage. Confidence. Self-respect. Hope. And Knowing.

It looks like an ending... leading into a brand new beginning.

While the brand new beginning did include a new job... I knew that wasn't the real beginning that mattered.

The real beginning was the rebirth of me - me getting to spend time with my family and prioritize my kids and my husband and my mental health. It was the beginning of being there to wake my kids up for school, making sure they have what they need, hearing them walk in the door in the afternoon, kissing my husband goodnight, talking about everyone's day over dinner, focusing on nothing but them and us on the weekends...

And while nothing about us is perfect - it sure as hell is a lot better when it isn't consumed by a toxic relationship with a job that steals every minute from me.

So, this is us... just being us... on random days. Not every minute looks like this... but some of them do... and those minutes are everything. These people are everything.