Reflections

 Today is Sunday. Not just any Sunday - but the first Sunday of the year... which means tomorrow is the first Monday of the year... the day the world goes back to work after having a bit of respite from the daily grind. I always find myself feeling very reflective and creative during this time of year. Reflective of the accomplishments, failures, changes, and experiences of the year gone by. Inspired, creative, and hopeful for what is to come in the new year. 

I was driving yesterday and began taking inventory of the most common thoughts, concerns, and cares that occupy my mind on a daily basis... answering the question "who are you right now?" "where do you invest your mind and your thoughts?"  I started jotting down the first few things that came to mind and figured I would unpack them here. 

Kids. Without a doubt, the vast majority of my headspace is spent pondering the needs, growth, stability, maturity, time, and behavior of my three boys. Two of them have just entered their teenage years. In my mind, these are the years where you begin to see the fruits of your parenting labor come to life. Are they going to be scholars? Athletes? Leaders? Givers? Takers? Are they confident? Motivated? Are they making and keeping good friends? How much therapy will they need? Have I saved enough money for that? Are they getting enough of the right experiences to equip them for college? For life? 

I study these things. I watch their interactions with each other, ask them about interactions at school, and draw conclusions about how they are doing today, and how well prepared they are for tomorrow. I can't imagine the parents in generations before us spent this much time contemplating the needs and potential successes and failures of their children. I'm not sure who's right or wrong... but I don't know how to be any other way.

It's been interesting adjusting to the role of mother of teenage boys. While I often savor the conversations we have, the thoughts they speak, and the more adult-like interactions that fill our home, I am also left uncertain about how selfish or distant or disconnected I should allow them to be. They're teenagers - and will continue thinking about themselves and wanting more space, but how do you know when it's too much?

I'm also acutely aware of the passing of time and the few number of years we have with them in our homes. The awareness of this inevitable absence manifests in two ways: 1) it keeps me aching for connection and meaningful memories - and when days/weeks/months go by without them, I feel unsettled and unhappy, and 2) it causes me to baby them far more than I should. 

2020 has been a weird year for all of us, but especially for kids - and certainly for kids who have had to pick up and move to a new city in the middle of it all. I am insanely proud of how kind, smart, and loving my kids are - each in their own way. And until the day I die, they will continue to take up an enormous amount of time in my mind. It's a force greater than any mommy heart can resist.

Marriage. Good gosh marriage is tricky. Just when you are patting yourself on the back for finally figuring out the secret recipe, some crazy shit shows up and makes you realize you're still just winging it every day. One thing I know for sure is that you can't ever stop investing time and energy into it. And as the life around you evolves - kids grow, jobs change, friends come and go, years start adding up - you have to keep reshaping who you are as a couple to make it all work. 

Much of the time in my mind is spent smiling on our good days and wondering what I should have done differently on our not so good days. Men and women are so different. Introverts and extroverts have completely different needs. Parenting alone would be really hard... but not far behind that is trying to be on the same page with another person so you can parent well together. All of these things make marriage hard.

Then we find ourselves laughing with each other during a game of badminton, or getting a little tipsy and taking a moment to flirt and be silly, or finding solace in exhaling after an exhausting day with kids or with family. And then I thank the Lord for giving me this incredible man with whom I get to grow old and share my life. 

As I look forward to 2021, this is an area that needs more of my focus. How do I turn good into great? How can I be a better wife to him? How can I give my all to making sure we are living our best life together and for each other?

Body. Unfortunately... or fortunately... (I'm not so sure)  I have thoughts, every day, consumed by plans and concerns of how to care for, nurture, train, and shape the physical being that is me. It's an equal mixture of health and vanity, I suppose. Health and vanity combined with that fear of seeing the look on the first person's face who is thinking "My, she has certainly let herself go. I knew someday it would catch up with her." 

I don't want to care about how I'm seen in other's eyes, but unfortunately, I can't just erase that thought. It's society's view of women. It's my reflection of me as I've experienced it through other's comments or compliments over the years. When you've always been told that you are something, you feel the pressure to meet that expectation. 

The scale in our bathroom pulls at me each day... sometimes multiple times. I know that if I move it to a different space on the tile floor it will register 2 pounds lighter... or over here it will be 3 pounds heavier. Depending on the voice I need to hear in that moment, I'll find it's perfect spot. 

Weight, fat, muscle, shape ... these are things that have all come pretty easy for me over the years - and while at the age of 43, I know I still have it easier than many, my body has certainly changed. The wine adds up... the lack of mobility in my work-from-home Zoom meeting life... the tempting snacks in the pantry... the lack of a daily exercise routine... these things all show back up and stare at me in the mirror. 

Fortunately, physical health and vanity have mutual interests - so I will continue to pay some mind and energy to my body this year and next, and hope to remain healthy, confident, and comfortable in the skin I've been given. 

Home. My home matters to me. The ambience. The feeling. The views. The comfort. The style. The mood it creates as I walk through it. The little spaces that allow me to escape the crazy. The bathtub. The yard. The life you can see in the plants, animals, and people. 

For me, creating and maintaining my home takes up some headspace, because how it looks and feels ends up impacting my headspace either positively or negatively, so it's worth the investment. 

We moved to a new home this year - and while there are so many things about it I love, I feel like we are still making it ours. When I see pictures of our prior house in Knoxville, it instantly feels like home. We put a lot of love and sweat equity into that house.

This home, too, will receive all that love. Our kids are creating their own spaces here and the collection of memories will continue to grow. I feel incredibly blessed that we have a home that fits our family so well and keeps us connected throughout, while still offering each of us our own space.

Work. Of all the things that came with this past year, what I'm most thankful for is to have "work" not be the very first thing on this list. Sigh. Of. Relief.

I honestly came into 2020 beaten down and twitchy from the experience I'd had the prior year... I was numb and disconnected after a year of being torn open with my insides exposed to the world, while my reputation and belief in myself lie dead on the ground. 

I had fallen out of love with PerfectServe more than a year prior, yet hadn't found the next right company and role for me. In the meantime, I was handed a troubled data center migration and ended up being the face of failure after failure. I didn't sleep. My phone became a source of panic. I never saw my family. I put on brave face and a fake smile every day while I withered away. I felt like a zombie passing through Earth, oblivious to life being lived around me.

I'm thankful today that I put myself out there and found the next right company for me. I am with a great company, with a great product, a fantastic boss, and a big opportunity. And work is work. And then I'm done. I don't have dreams of being the next Chief Executive Officer... or even Chief Product Officer. I have dreams of being a great mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend... and maybe someday earning money doing something that is creative in a different way and fills my soul. In the meantime, I have found the sweet spot for me that I knew existed somewhere. I get to build a team, help build a company, learn and grow, and hopefully make a difference without having to sacrifice my entire being. 

2020 has been a messy year - but I honestly feel like my life has been handed back to me. I now get to spend my mornings, evenings, and weekends with my family. For that, in the history book of my life, you can be sure you will read about the secret crush I had on the year 2020.

Thank God for new beginnings.

Relationships. Finally, relationships. I have an odd relationship with relationships. I suppose it's because I'm not very good at them. Being an introvert who craves connection can be a bit of a conundrum...  I love having a close friend, a person to love and connect with, someone who knows me and gets me, someone I can trust with my whole self. I love being messy and vulnerable and having the freedom to say anything about my thoughts, knowing I'm only going to get honesty and love in return. These relationships are hard to find. I would probably improve my odds if I would be more open to more frequent social interactions, but I'm not so sure that is true. In my history, when I find one of my people, I know it instantly... 5, 10, 20, 50 extra interactions don't make much of a difference. 

Anyway - I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about relationships. I feel guilty for not spending more time with people I love. I feel guilty about not being more social with people we've met. I feel guilty about relationships that have gone awry - even when the other person was dysfunctional or toxic. I feel guilty for holding Richie back from having more couples we can hang out with. 

Perhaps in the next year I should invest some time figuring out how to have a better relationship with my relationships... a healthy balance of me-time vs social time, healthy closure with relationships gone by, and healthy comfort with the time I spend with the people I love. Of all the things I've figured out in life, this one can't be the most difficult.

~~~

So this is me... wide open at the beginning of 2021... these are the topics that occupy the vast majority of my thoughts... this is me, in all my simplicity and complexity. 

Always a work in progress... but in a much better place than I was just a year ago.  

2021 - let's do this!